13 Reasons Your Cat Knows You’re Not a Cat

From the cat:

I saw you reading that article that says “Your Cat thinks You are Just A Big Cat.” I want to understand; I think no such thing. I clearly know you are not one of our superior species. Here are just a few of the reasons.

13. You Don't Purr. One of the most soothing sounds known to mankind, purring is what sets us apart from all the other animals in nature. Instead, you make all sorts of strange noises. You talk, laugh, cough, sneeze, snore, and sometimes make noises that are definitely not soothing. Honestly, if you could purr, I might think you were trying to be a cat. But you can't even manage that.

12. You talk all the time. I don’t find it necessary to talk to my peers—or to you. Okay, maybe I’ll meow to get your attention if I want food. But I don’t feel the need for incessant chatter. And I’ll never understand why you think it’s necessary to chatter at me. Haven’t you seen the Gary Larson cartoon about what we say to cats and what they hear? In the two-panel comic, a person scolds a cat: "Well, Fluffy, you've clawed the furniture for the last time!" The cat, of course, hears nothing at all. Now, clearly Mr. Larson understands me.

11. You have no tail.  My tail is just one of my superior features. Without one, you are defective. My tail helps give me precise balance when I walk across those narrow surfaces like a tightrope walker. It keeps me warm. You have to wear socks to warm your tootsies; I just wrap my tail around them. And best of all, if you haven’t noticed, human, it’s my communication device. Pay attention to my language, and I’ll tell you if I’m happy, mad, or playful, instead of that consistent yapping.  Use your eyes, not your ears.

10. Your body isn't beautiful. Let's face it. You're mostly pink, brown, white, or whatever color your skin happens to be, and there's not a single strand of fur covering you. I, on the other hand, am a work of art. Soft, furry, and beautifully designed from whiskers to tail. Which means…

  9. You have to wear clothes. And because your body isn’t beautiful, you have to wear clothes. Even in tropical climates. And I see you changing them during the day. And then you throw them in that noisy machine to clean them. All that cost and hassle because you don’t have fur.

  8. You don’t lick yourself clean. You jump into this contraption with water rushing down. No self-respecting cat would willingly submit themselves to such torture. Other than a drizzle from the sink faucet, water is my worst enemy. Oh, and by the way, you don’t spot clean.  When you do whatever humans do during the day, you sometimes get stinky smells, which you only clean when you jump in that water box.

  7. You think you have to entertain me.  Sure, I like to tussle with other cats once in a while, but have you ever seen me pick up a stick with a string and a feather at the end and wave it at my sister? I think not. We are perfectly good at entertaining ourselves. And why do you buy those expensive toys when I can have just as much fun with your trash? The Amazon box, wrapping, and toilet paper roll are much more fun.

  6. You have very strange waking and sleeping schedules. You’re awake almost all day and sleep all night. Don’t you know the afternoon is serious nap time and 5 AM is the best time to play? 

  5. You don’t jump.   When it comes to jumping, you’re defective.  I can jump at least 10 times as good as you. You need ladders and step stools just to raise your eyes a few feet. I just jump with precision to the top shelf of the cabinet and land in the smallest free space. Much faster and easier.

  4. You’re really slow. I can run twice as fast as you. And even faster if you’re trying to put me in that small carry cage when you take me to the person in the white coat who sits me on that cold slab and pokes me.  I’m in the bedroom and under the bed before you even turn around.

  3. You have awful hand-eye coordination.  I can catch a fly mid-air almost without fail, while you flail around, wait for the fly to land, and use a strange contraption with a flappy thing on the end of a stick. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but one of my favorite games is batting a nut back to you if you toss it to me. It’s a chance to show you my superior skills.

AND… reasons 3-5 prove that you are not only not a cat – you are a klutz!

  2. You are my servant. You seem to think we are friends. That's very sweet. But let's be clear about the arrangement. You feed me. You open doors for me. You bring me water. You clean my litter box. You provide entertainment whenever I demand it. And when I want something, you drop whatever you're doing and attend to me.

Try that with another cat. Interrupt my nap, and I might swat you. Walk up to another cat while she's grooming herself and tell her to come play? Good luck with that. We cats have friends. We are not servants.

1.     Finally, I’m not stupid.  I know the difference between a bird, a gecko, and a bunny.  I know birds are in the sky, and mice make scratching noises to alert me of their presence, and the thump, thump of the earth means a bunny is approaching. When the earth shakes even more, I hear clothes swishing, and that chatter; I know it’s a human. What makes you think I can’t tell you are not one of my species? You are about as different from me as any animal on Earth, except for maybe a whale, and at least they are smart.

Maybe the human who believes I think you are just a big cat is a big moron.